Good Moorning
I am currently in a break from work. I have decided to take it in order to finish my thesis. It is an arts degree, on animation. It is supposed to be fun... But I am not having fun right now, I am stuck, on what I trying to say with my movie, and it is making me avoid work and I am slowly eating away at my time... I need to go all out and my brian is in constant disrepear...
I have been ddieting also and I have been good most days, and in one month i have only lost 1kg! It's so unfair! I have been eating 1350 calories in a day and I am going to the gym 3 times a week! Is my effort not ammounting to anything!? Like why! Like It's so hard to loose weight when you are short and a woma... not to mention over 30!
My life is meaningless and I need instant gratification to uphold my sanity... Something has gone so completely wrong with my brain, my personality... Everystep I take seems like a wrong choise.
I am constantly loosing my shit trying to do three good things for myself while others can juggle much more with no impact. i am here failing at not working and my only job is to study andeat well! I have nothin else to do! But I prefer to atch videos and waste my time away. Why not shortcut it to death?!
I have humiliated mmyself with my actions and how stupid i was and am so many times! I cannot function socially , I always misunderstand the point of the convversation, the goal of the team... I misunderstand people's intentions... I have no thought of my own, I always look to others to help me see correctly. Nothing I do makes me proud or gives me joy... I do not want to be like this... I am going to therapy, I have been for years... and I felt better for some time, then something changed and my mentqaal health just plummeted... it has mostly been in correlation to my weight...
I believe I am not worth anything the way I am... I have people who love me but I think they are just stuck with me... I have no reason to be so underachieving, people my age have travelled , made choises of their owwn , grew as people and made greeat things... while I have been closed in my room, crying and numbing myself from reality... which does not help with feeling better about myself... I am always sitting there waiting for my time to come. And if you see advice givven on the interne, it is in my hands to take action, take responsibility and make a change. It is easy to say, but everytime I try to do that I am faced with the biggest fears and anxiety... I barely move away from my safe spot and I go back inside.
I had lost quite a bit of weight a few years ago, I had reached a point I was considered almost attractive. I finally had some confidence, I had some attention... peopel started to treat me differently, I was seeing potential in my future, I was able to smile... Now I have gone and gained a lot of it back. My confidence is back in the gutter, and the weight gain has been graddual not quick, but I DID NOT do anythign to stop it. I had only a few kgs to lose and now I have to lose at least 30kg... I feel like such a failure. I have not managed to reach a healthy weight ever... it's been my main quest all my life and my wish at every birthday... My therapist says if you want it you will find a waay to make it happen... Seems like I don't want it enough...
Being liek this is not fun. I have forgotten how to smile. I have forgotten how to have fun. I am miserable al the time, trying to hide it. My friends and family have grown tired, have forgotten how I was, how I am supposed to be. I am afraid I bring every room down. I am a debbie downer... that is not how i envisioed myself grwoing up. I used to have beliefs about about good and bad, I used to be cheerful, I used tothink i had potential. Now i think all that has dissipated... I can not just relax ever... My life is withooutu substance... I have tried to ask for help. I cannot do that too much though... I know others may have greater problems, but the fact that I am here and cannot be content with myself is evidence enough I am a failure. I used to think I was smart. I tried so hard at school. I earned my free time. Now I can't stop acting stupid. I don;t know what I am doing with my life. I don;t know where I am headed. Everry smither of doubt gets blown up into a catastrophe. I want my life to be simple again, to be easy again... I want to figure out what;s wrong with me. I don't think even my therapist quite gets what I am about, as I have not communicated correctly. I get mixed up in wanting to sound "correct" or "good" beliefs, instead of saying just everything in my head.
Seeing the above text , i see only sentences with "I" and "Me" "my". I have been incredibly foocused on my self and my struggles these last years. I havee neglected my friends and family. I mostly avoid people and social gatherings.
When is this patheticness ever going to end? the only person I am supposed to rely on for an answer is myself and It's the person I least trust... It is painful to see others thrive without having the same struggles as me... why am I the one going through this? Why have I forsaken myself... I wans never cool, and never the first choise... I don;t have hopes in being an adult... I am stuck in kid mode... or like in a depressive mode... Even my therapist is sick of me most sessions... but not more sick than I am of myself... if i go on like this it;s bound to get worse... it;s bound to make me lose my friends and distance myself further from family...
Others survive and thrive on far less than I have... why am I like this? ...
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